Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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