We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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