I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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