Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
