i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
