I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
