3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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