My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
