Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
