I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
