nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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