My liver just broke up with me...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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