When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
