There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
