Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
