i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
