Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
