Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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