his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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