I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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