i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
