the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize