I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
