I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Be still, my beating vagina.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
