I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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