I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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