guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
