When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
