Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
