If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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