Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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