I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I cut my penus on the lid.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
