She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize