I want to have your abortion
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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