His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
