Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
