The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
