I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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