I just pynch a tree in the face
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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