and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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