I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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