And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
