Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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