He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
