Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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