I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
