By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
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