I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
