So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize