Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
