i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
