I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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