I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
