I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
