How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
